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Mask off

WARNING 1** this is not a beauty or fashion related post if you are not into deep talks or don’t want to hear about Mental Health don’t read this post”

WARNING 2 ** I might use some psychological terms and few Redflags at the end of this post which I will try to explain but whatever I talk about here is based on my own research and  my own understanding. At the end of the day this is just a piece of information and you must think with your own brain!**

WARNING 3 ** this is probably going to be very long**

Hello there my stranger friends, I have been MIA for a while and I had to be gone.. sometimes you need to distance yourself from everything to see things clearer. I am not sure what I am going to write here is suitable for everyone to read or how you guys going to take it.. but there is something in me that wants to share this story for those who might have been in my situation, or perhaps reading it might increase awareness and would be a prevention .. or this post could be a simple guideline about how to handle this kind of situations.. I know its not going to make sense now but I am hoping once you finish reading this post you have  gained some sort of understanding  or it helped you in any kind of way…

I have lost 5 kg in the past 2 weeks. I have completely lost my appetite, sleep, motivation to work or to do anything and I have been experiencing panic attacks and anxiety. Referring to my Psychology degree I can say for sure that I am experiencing psychological discomfort and falling into Depression. which is not very new to me.. I have experienced this before couple of times and I know exactly how its going to destroy me if I LET IT… however I have always fought and fought and learned to get up and get back on my feet. I think most of us do.. its part of human nature.. once you have hope in your heart you have the strength to move on and pass through the hard times. but there is something else that is necessary too.. which is your mental health!

when something terrible happens to you it is normal for you to go through a phase of Emotional Distress and you might feel depressed or angry or denial or any sort of emotions. After the phase is over it means you have almost recovered. it doesn’t mean there wont be any scars or memory left… it just simply shows your brain has managed to handle the situation and you are capable of moving on without holding back.. But what if you couldn’t recover? what could happen if you dont recover after a trauma!! what if it actually  affects your brain and all the nerves in your body and you become confused and unstable to take any step forward? what if the trauma happened in your childhood and you dont even remember why you couldn’t recover!!! maybe there wasn’t any emotional support system, maybe the pressure of the event caused brain damage… Maybe there were several source of stress and as a child you couldn’t handle all of it by yourself… you see.. we all know life is a bitch!!! and shit happens all the time!! and people go though difficulties all the time …but how you handle it and  your level of awareness is the key factor to your mental health!

once you hit down people always tell you “Your are stronger than this”, “Dont be sucha coward”, “Dude! fucking move on..” “Get over it Already”, “what doesn’t kill you makes you Stronger!!! the last one gets me all the time !!! I am here to tell you dont fall for any of these “supportive” comments! its nice to have people telling us that they believe in us and we are strong but Dont just move on!! Dont run away from it!!! If its terrible enough to make you feel sick in your stomach and you cant function your daily routine stop right there and PAUSE !!!! Cause the truth is, it might not be obvious from the outside and you put on a strong person’s mask that others expect you to be but it will kill you from inside.. you are mentally getting sick and if you dont seek help its going to get worse and worse and before you know it you have become a different person… it can influence your behavior in long term, it will affect your decision makings in life, relationships and you become this unhappy person that whatever you do just doesn’t make you feel happy and satisfied anymore.. and if its gone too far you wont even remember how did you get in to this in first place. All your emotions and pain will be suppressed in your unconscious and you wont be aware of it. This is the simplest way I could explain to you how mental illness works in long term which I hope you already know it!! it is important to be self-aware and acknowledge that mental illness exist and happens to all of us just like how we get cold!! once you become aware of the problems within yourself it is so much easier to solve them. But like I said sometimes this traumatized events ( that could be anything from death of a loved one, separation, injury, abuse or as small as an argument, getting afraid of something or moving to a new place) happens in childhood and by the time we grow up its already in our unconscious and has build up in our personality traits. According to Psychologist its sometimes impossible to cure a personality that has been shaped from an awful experience in childhood  (Psychopaths, Sociopaths) but I’m not here to scare you or use these terms to conclude everything. I also dont believe in “impossible”. I dont believe we are robots made out of wires!! so if our  wires get messed up we cant live up to our potential limits. But I am also just a result of wire problems myself!!! I am hurt and injured by these events and with just a psychology degree I cant fix everything…

I did not choose to Study Psychology because it was interesting or fun or because of my mathematical problems lol. I chose to study Psychology to help myself and people who I care for ( happens to be you too 🙂 ) just like many people out there I had a very rough childhood and loosing my mother at a very sensitive age was the top of it and without my own awareness I had become a very angry girl who blamed everyone for everything and I wasn’t happy with myself and my life and everyone in it.. Although my life situation and my surrounding forced me to move forward and tried to achieve something, I kept falling down and struggled in every aspect of my life from my health  to study, hobbies and most importantly relationships… I knew I have talent in somethings and potential to be something amazing but I fell in to this dark phase of my life where I was just depressed and needy. I needed attention, someone to take care of me  and because at that time I had to live alone (age of 16) I had to find this emptiness in others and oh boy it was a disaster and things just got worse…. as long as I had people around me to take care of me I could function and once they left me I hit back to the floor. Thats when I decided to study Psychology and understand whats going on  in my head and why I behave in that way!! I felt isolated and separate from everyone else and Psychology was my only hope to connect to others and the more I learned the more I wanted to know… I remember one day we were working on this assignment with my friend (absolute support system ) and we were researching about different personality types and she looked in to my eyes and she told me “I think you have Borderline personality disorder!!!” .. she was the only one I really felt comfortable with.. and I really had trust in her! we had a moment of silence staring at each other before I burst with anger and so much emotions yelling at her that how dare you labeling me with a personality disorder and I verbally abused her to the point she cried and left…

I was never diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder that is because I never went to get myself checked. she could have been right or wrong but what happened that day is like a slap to my face! like a wake up call!! something told me whatever is happening to me is only within me.. I felt sick but I didn’t know whats wrong with me!!there was this battle of war in my head. I felt like i am in an ocean and I cant swim…but I couldn’t just give up… something in me kept me going and I had to learn how to swim. there are two ways that people would react when they are under psychological stress. 1) they become more self-aware and try their best to change it 2) They express their pain and emotions in unhealthy ways such as abusing others and their environment, using drugs, alcohol..and so on. I think I have tried both and decided to stick to option 1.

For me the journey of learning about myself has never ended until now that I am writing this blog. I am amazed by the things I learn about myself and my unconsciousness. the difference is that I am more aware now..I can see how these wires are working and I have accepted that it might have been few damages as a result of my childhood experiences but I am not letting it control me anymore…Also I have more empathy and understanding towards others. it is not easy for me to judge a person as I know now, people go through a lot to become who they are…

However as I mentioned before its not easy when it has influenced your personality traits.. these experiences and things I had to go through to back my self up has made me so vulnerable and sensitive… the journey I had to take to reach to my unconscious and be aware was not just a one night process.. I had to suffer.. I had to fight my own ego… I had to be lonely… and I had to be spiritually very strong! I had faith in something more than just living a life in my shallow head and I WANTED to get out of that bubble!! sometimes I feel because I managed to help myself get out of that dark phase I am responsible to help anyone else to get out of it as well and this had me to deal with a lot of mentally ill people!! Its like I have become a good target for them as a result of my own vulnerability!

Out of 25 people you meet around you 1 person is suffering from an unresolved psychological Trauma. These are the people who have not make peace with their past experiences and they carry the pain by wearing a mask of being who  they THINK they are but they ARE NOT. They need to express all these pain in some sort of way either by harming themselves or they use other people as a tool. They like to abuse other either physically or mentally! You cant really pin point someone with these characteristics very fast because they are so used to wearing their mask and pretend to be the person they want to be that even themselves are not aware of the harm and pain they might cause to someone else… this person could be one of your family member, a friend, colleague and you always wondering why you cant have peaceful relationship with them or perhaps it could be yourself and  you are the one always causing others pain and you dont even know why!!

Only a professional licensed can diagnosis someone with a particular personality disorder and its not easy to jump to conclusion but as Psychologist Kim Saeed says it is not pleasant to be around anyone who carries such personality traits! bellow are just few of my own personal experiences and red flags that I have noticed and Ignored in dealing with such people!

Redflag 1 : Butterflies in your stomach

you know the feeling when you get nervous to meet a particular person and you feel something moving in your stomach and even though its always been mentioned as a nice thing its actually not a good sign! the person you want to be close to must give you comfort and good feelings.

Always I repeat ALWAYS listen to your intuitions the vibes you get from other people is actually correct!

Redflag 2 : Everything moving too fast

Before you know it you have become so close to this person in such a short period of time or in other words this person has made her/himself central part of your life who has control over you and your life. your schedule and planing is based on his/her plan. As you see everything is going so smooth and the way you want in the beginning so you forget about your doubts and insurance! That is because the person is mirroring your desires to have you believe he/she is “the one” Or the person you can trust!!

Redflag 3: lack of empathy and compassion

This is a huge redflag and cant be unnoticed. when you see this particular person often shows no emotions about what you share with them, your sadness or happiness. its like they are blanked about how you feel and at worse they even get irritated if you expect them to sympathize with you. because they dont know how or even if they do it feels so fake and robotic as if they are just doing what you asked them to do!

Redflag 4: lies and secrets

No one likes lies! Even small ones are not okay!! but some people with personality disorders cant live without their lies and they would do anything to prove them! while most of people feel relieved after the truth is out some people with personality dysfunctions feel angry and irritated once you confront them with the truth! they want to live in the imaginary life they have in their head.

Redflag 5: lack of intimacy

People with personality disorder dont know how to get intimate and close to someone in deep levels. They might remain their friendly/romantic behavior but once you want to get intimate with them they will push you away or go completely blank! That’s because even themselves are not aware of their inner feelings! Its blocked!! And they don’t understand the meaning of love and closeness to someone. they cant trust you with their real self.. so to keep their mask on they never let you get too close to them!

Redflag 6: running away from talking about problems.

People who are mentally healthy and mature enough would know that the best way of solving a situation and a problem is to talk about it and discuss it. But once you see someone is escaping the “talk” and rather just act as if nothing has happened all the time thats a redflag. Talking about problems and solving them needs a person who actually cares about solving the issue and feels responsible! But if he/she doesn’t care they would never get in to the “talk” . They dont want to be responsible or dont want to go through any changes.

Redflag 7: passive aggression behavior

Anger is a normal emotion and its part of human nature but what makes a difference is when a person’s quick respons to every uncomfortable situation is aggression !!passive aggression is when a person insults, throughing tantrums like a kid and cant handle a mature conversation. I am no talking about once or twice I mean when this is the only way they react to any situation that is not pleasent to them!

Redflag 8: Manipulation

Some of the people who suffer from personality disorder have a very good skill in manipulating you to becoming exactly the person they want you to be. They need you as a source of their lack of confidence and identity so they try to change you and your life to match their imagination. They need you to cover their emptiness and by manipulating you they feel powerful and they get a sence of identity which is fake!

Redflag 9: unreliability and changes in their long term plans

Depends on the situation no one can really be sure about future and long term plans don’t always work. However a mentally healthy person knows what he/she wants and tries to achieve them by taking small steps. There are some people who dont really have an idea of what they want in future but when we are talking about people with personality disorder they always act as a person who knows what they want . As I said they fake an unreal identity and they strive for it until they get tired and they change it so quickly without no doubts. They want to be another person as soon as they get tired of their old “self”. You cant really understand them and get to know them in long terms cause they keep changing!

Redflag 10 : self-centered

Its all about them and only them… you really dont have much an influence in their life as long as they only use you for their narcissistic source! They will give you so much attention and care as much you give them much more of that.. and once they find a new source they will be done with you! Or dis-value you for the time they found a new source… but if they dont find a better toy they will keep playing the game.. and at some point you start feeling exhausted and tired of this on and off game.. you feel emotionally abused and confused whats going on !!! Do I matter to this person or not!?? This is a redflag that tells you leave!!! No matter how hard it is, take yourself out of this situation immediately…

There could be other redflags but these are the ones I have experienced personally and even though it was too late but I have managed to understand it now…Hope it all make sense to you now and you could connect to it to some point. at the end of the day my point was to tell you Take Care Of YourSelf not only physically but emotionally and mentally too. it is important to be aware of your own “Self” and once you do you start to understand other people’s behavior too. it always start from the “Self”. it is not an easy life here but once we get our inner self healthy and functioning I think it will start to become easier to handle the hard situations. If you liked this post I might have more to share with you but for now I am going to leave you with this.

with Love

Yelna.

20 thoughts on “Mask off

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